Saudade
by StarTrail
Summary: Kyon's been having weird dreams lately… Reincarnation fic.
1. Introductions

**_Saudade_****. **

**It's a Portuguese or Galician word that has no direct translation in English. A melancholic feeling of incompleteness, it describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound (melancholic) longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that that object of longing may never return. ****_Saudade_**** is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an 'emptiness', like someone or something that should be there at a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings all together—sadness for missing, and happiness for having experienced the feeling. It's "the love that remains" after someone is gone.**

* * *

"_Just because you can't remember something doesn't mean it's gone." _

_–__Namine, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories_

* * *

Kyon's been having weird dreams lately. Dreams where he is dead but still living. Dreams where he answers to a different name, where he has a different face (but is still the only sane one in the group), dreams where a familiar girl with bows—a ribbon—in her hair (_or is that just a headband?_) is giving him orders; they're still in school but they answer to _SSS_ not _SOS_—

Kyon wakes with a start.

_Great._ He thinks. _Now Haruhi's even telling me what to do in my sleep._

He rolls over, ignoring Shamisen's indignant meow, and slips back into unconsciousness. He denies he ever dreamed it; Haruhi can't take away his last refuge, dammit.

But the dreams don't stop. If anything, they get worse.

* * *

_"__Have you ever met someone for the first time, but in your heart you feel as if you've met them before?"_

_—__JoAnne Kenrick, When a Mullo Loves a Woman_

* * *

Before it all started, things were simpler.

"Nice to meet everyone, I hope we all have a good year." Kyon sits down with a smile. _Well, that wasn't too bad. _He's glad he can just sit and watch the rest of the people in his class introduce themselves, free of a sense of impending doom or risk of embarrassment.

Then the girl sitting behind him starts talking, and the time when his life was even _somewhat_ normal comes to an end.

"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, from East Junior High. First off, I'm not interested in ordinary people, but if any of you are aliens, time travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all."

Everyone _stares_, and as Kyon turns around his mouth drops open, because how are they supposed to react to _that?_

Their eyes meet, and for a second Kyon swears that he's seen this girl before, a slightly different hair color, slightly different eyes…but then she looks away, surveying the room, and the connection is gone. Kyon sighs in his head. _Crap._ _Just like Kunikida all over again._

So he starts talking to her. Not because she's pretty, or he wants to know how eccentric she actually is (she is, and he does, but that's not the point), not really. It's because he feels like he knows her on some subconscious level, and because of that he can't stay away—because somewhere in the back of his mind they're friends; already are, always have been.

* * *

Taniguchi knows a lot about Haruhi. _He should_, Kyon supposes, _he went to junior high with her_. And it's fine—he doesn't really care. He wasn't trying to ask her out, no matter how much Taniguchi warns him off of doing so.

_(Protective much?)_

Kyon's never met this guy before and that's okay, but all of a sudden he's just there, eating lunch with him and Kunikida like he left a long time ago but now he's back, and Kyon wants to bang his head against a desk in frustration because he really doesn't know what's going on with him today and why he feels like he's already met these strangers before.

(But they're not really strangers. Not even close.)

* * *

"Have I met you before, like somewhere in the past?" Haruhi asks him once in that first month of school.

"Not likely, but believe it or not I've actually got the same feeling. First moment I saw you."

"Yeah, you seem familiar, but it's like it's more than that. Like…"

"Like we knew each other a long time ago."

She hits her hand with a fist. "Yeah, just like that!" she frowns, studying him again. "But I also feel like I've just seen you before. Physically, I mean."

As opposed to _what?_

(Either way—she has, but he doesn't know that yet.)

* * *

Ryoko Asakura (his class president) and Taniguichi (not to mention the rest of his class) are surprised by his newfound ability: getting through to Haruhi (because she pretty much ignores and/or blows off everyone else), but Kyon really doesn't know what it is. _Everyone's turned into morons_, he thinks as they interrogate him on his 'Haruhi-tactics', and the word makes him feel nostalgic for some reason.

* * *

_Never underestimate the power of words_, Kyon decides as he remembers one of the first full conversations he'd ever had with Haruhi. It had been about her bizarre taste in hairstyles; how each day of the week she came to class with a different number of places she'd pinned her hair up and different color ribbons—a color and a number for each day of the week. When he disagreed with her choices ('I kinda feel that Monday's more like a one'), she came to school the next with her hair cut short, and stuck to the same hairstyle from then on.

Anyway, with all this talking he's been doing with her, Kyon presumes it's kind of natural that he's the one who gives her the spark.

"I've got an idea! It's so obvious! If it doesn't exist I should just make it myself!"

"Make what yourself?" Kyon hasn't really known her for that long, but based on Taniguchi's stories, he almost doesn't want to ask.

"Make a club!"

And that's how it all started. The SOS Brigade.

And his life as one of Haruhi's minions, but that's not really all that important to anyone but him.

* * *

**So I've been working on this for months now and I can hardly believe that I'm finally starting to post!**

**This is, quite obviously, an Angel Beats-Haruhi Suzumiya reincarnation fic, which I was very surprised to find that no one has done yet (which meant I felt obligated to, so let's just hope I do it justice.)**

**Also guys? Like, low-key spoilers for Haruhi Suzumiya and Angel Beats abound. Nothing past the anime for either, because though I do know some details about the other media of both shows, I haven't actually read the light novels/manga for either, so we're just gonna stick with this. In any case you really should have watched both shows before reading this. And also, this is in dub. Cause of things like catch-phrases and honorifics. (I don't mind subbed stories but I usually just write them dubbed.)**

**Really, last warning: if you haven't seen Haruhi Suzumiya you're probs gonna be lost on the plot (cause I'm not going through every detail, though I am trying to make it comprehensive), and if you haven't seen Angel Beats I can assure you about 75% of the jokes and other things are going to fall flat.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own either Haruhi Suzumiya or Angel Beats**

**Rated T for violence, occasional cursing, and an over-abuse of quotes.**

**On that note, which is actually totally unrelated, please review!**


	2. Keyframe

**So this was supposed to come out more than a month ago, except that my laptop has apparently decided that it wants nothing to do with FF's Document Manager ever again, so I had to find a different place to upload. Anyway, problem's solved and school's out so chapters should be coming more smoothly now. ****Enjoy!**

**(Keyframe: **

**_n. _a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life-set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next...**

**-The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows)**

* * *

"_I recognized you instantly. All of our lives flashed through my mind in a split second. I felt a pull so strongly towards you that I almost couldn't stop it."_

—_J. Sterling, In Dreams_

* * *

When Kyon meets the first of his soon-to-be brigade members it's (of course) while he's following Haruhi's orders. He opens the door to the Literary Club room and _she's_ sitting there in a chair. She turns to look at him as he enters the door…and for a second they're frozen and he's wondering why her hair is silver-gray instead of silver-white, her eyes _slate blue_ when they should be _amber gold_—

He clears his throat, breaking off his nonsensical train of thought _(everything's getting more nonsensical these days)_"Uh, Hi."

"Hello."

She answers him in a monotone, but he can hear undercurrents in his mind—it's lighter—a voice resonating slightly with the lower one.

"What's you're name?"

"Yuki Nagato."

There. Done. Now they knew each other.

_But this is wrong—so wrong—she's so cold and dead andIcan't—_

_(Sitting in the corner of the cafeteria—_

_The corner of the room—_

_Eating—_

_Reading—_

_All by herself—)_

_(That image of her…looked painfully lonesome)_

_shecan'tgobacktothis—_

"So…what are you reading?"

She shows him the cover, but that really wasn't what he was after.

"Is it…interesting?"

"Yes. I can lend it to you when I'm done."

"Thanks."

That's it. Keep her talking. Don't let that cold mask back up. _It's not like her_, Kyon thinks, _she shouldn't have to hide anymore—shy away…_

He doesn't wonder how he knows exactly what his new acquaintance, Yuki Nagato, is like. It never even crosses his mind.

Then the door bursts open. Haruhi's here, and she has their next member.

* * *

"H-hello, my name is M-mikuru Asahina." The harassed and obviously kidnapped girl says to him after Haruhi drags her inside the Literary Club's room.

"Hi, Miss Asahina," Kyon greets back good-naturedly, "I'm—"

"This is Kyon!" Haruhi butts in with an introduction first, and Kyon frowns at her, grumbling. _That isn't actually my name, you know._ The frown doesn't leave as the conversation continues, however, and Kyon realizes that something feels off. Or rather, nothing does. Everything is completely normal—he hasn't gotten a weird feeling the entire time he's met this girl, one year his senior. Haruhi's frowning too, a little, as if she's not quite satisfied with her new catch of a brigade member. Kyon counts his blessings, though. He doesn't think he could deal with having every moment of his life suddenly start turning upside down. Mikuru is normal (or so he thinks) and she makes him feel normal. That's…good.

Right?

* * *

Kyon dreams his first dream that night. The first one that _matters_, anyway.

"_And this is-…-he's lazy but sometimes he pulls through..." "Hey!"_

…

"…_glad-…-okay. Truth be-…-gett-…-inda fond of-…-man." "Are y-…-ay?" "Of course not!"_

…

"_JUST-…-AMN MINUTE! Why-…-send me flying!" "Who knows! Who cares!_

…

"_Don't think I'm the same man as the me of yesterday and tomorrow. Be careful."_

* * *

"Level with me," Taniguchi asks the next day during lunch. "What are you and Suzumiya up to?" He finds Kyon out of the corner of his eyes. "You guys wouldn't happen to be dating or anything, would you?" It's an innocent question, and it's not like Taniguchi's _glaring_ at him or anything, but for a second Kyon has this uncanny temptation to glance around the room—make sure there aren't any halberds nearby.

He restrains himself. "No we're not dating," His mind flashes to Yuki Nagato (and Kyon wonders why he'd ever want to date Haruhi), "Trust me, I'd also like to know what we're _supposedly_ 'up to'." He doesn't understand how his life is suddenly becoming so turned around. And just this morning wasn't Haruhi talking about kidnapping some unfortunate transfer student because she thinks anyone transferring in so soon after the start of the year is suspicious and/or mysterious?

Good grief.

* * *

_Note to self: when Haruhi wants something, she tends to get it. The means don't matter. _

Kyon turns away from the president of the computer club—poor guy—as their fearless leader directs the rest of the computer members in setting up their new desktop. He has this urge to start lecturing Haruhi on the morals of theft, extortion, blackmail, using her fellow brigade members as unfeeling tools—you name it. Though he has to hand it to her: framing for sexual harassment? Pretty crafty.

_(At least it's not as bad—or routine—as Tornado, but even that was kind of for survival)_

He goes over to Mikuru's side as she cries on the floor, hands her a tissue and wonders why he's suddenly thinking of a twister as he debates with himself if he should try to comfort her by putting an arm around her shoulder or rubbing her back. _She probably doesn't want any guy touching her right now_, he decides. His thoughts drift back to the computer room, and how on the username for the president's he thought he saw the word _'Christ'_. It seems familiar to him _(what doesn't these days?)_but he dismisses it. Still though…

_No wonder Haruhi pretty much ignored everything he said._

* * *

It's lunchtime the next day, and Haruhi wants a website.

Moreover, she wants _him _to make it.

_Of _course_ she does._

Kyon seriously thinks he's going to need help if he's going to continue to be Haruhi's slave.

Something passes through his mind at that thought, but it's less a _picture_ of a boy and more of a faint idea that this flickering, passing thought he just had was _of_ a boy. Less of a fuzzy image and more of a realization that he had thought of the image, even though he can't quite remember what that image may have been. There had once been _something_ there, but now all he was left with was the idea of a thought of a best friend that—

Kyon shakes his head of wandering thoughts. He's distracting himself. Back to the problem…

…_What does she even want me to put _on_ it?_

The website gets (shoddily) made eventually, (what? It's his own work—he can acknowledge that it's not at the professional level) and Kyon's happily surprised when Nagato gives him the book she said she would at the end of that lunch break, but he has to wonder why he's so eagerly commuting back to the clubroom at the end of the day. Habit? After a week or so? Not likely: he hasn't been doing this _nearly_ long enough for that to happen.

So where did the habit come from?

* * *

_"Read between the lines_

_Of what's fucked up and everything's alright_

_Check my vital signs_

_To know I'm still alive and I walk alone."_

_—Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day_

* * *

'_The SOS Brigade: An Explanation of Our General Policies._' Kyon reads from the paper Haruhi gave him before she and Mikuru left, (although it was more like she dragged Miss Asahina along) to go hand out fliers after school is over. '_We, the SOS Brigade, are committed to seeking out mysteries in this universe. To anyone who has experienced strange phenomena in the past, anyone who's had a mysterious experience recently, or anyone who plans on having a weird experience in the future. If any of the above applies to you—come see us!_'

Kyon thinks he's starting to understand the reason for the Brigade's existence.

_You could ask anyone and they'd say they believe in mysteries,_ he reasons,_ but does she think weirdness is just stacked in a corner somewhere and all she has to do is find it? Is she _that _bored? This is a run-of-the-mill high school. It's not like…_

_(…School?)_

Like something in his thoughts was a trigger, Kyon stiffens as his mind goes haywire. Images flash behind his eyes until he can't even see the clubroom anymore. He's standing on the roof, principal's office, classroom, _down on the grounds but thisisn'thisschool—hedoesn'tknowcan'trememberandshe'stellinghimhe'sdeadheaskshertoproveit—GODWHATAREYOUDOING—?_

—_STABBEDTHROUGHTHEHEART—_

—_he wakes up anyway—_

He's falling over now, grasping at his chest, doesn't notice Nagato at his side (_why is her hair so long?_), he's perfectly fine (but there was _somuchblood_), he's totally okay (on the surface) but he can't feel his heartbeat it's _not there_ _he's not dying so whycan'tHEFEELHISHEARTBEATING—?_

—_(Because he doesn't have one.)—_

Kyon gasps for air, because just like that he can breathe again. He collapses to the ground, and smiles up at Nagato, because it hadn't actually hurt _(I'm fine don't worry everything's fine but thanks for your concern)_ and because under that passive exterior he thinks he can see a worried frown—a girl's voice, soft and melodic, mouthing his name: "_Yu—_

He shakes his head, trying to clear everything away, and laughs because he totally just had a heart attack for absolutely no reason at all—or maybe he daydreamed it (_no pain?_), he isn't sure. He thinks back to Haruhi's flyer and wonders if he should tell her about the weird things that have started happening to _him_, like how he frequently recognizes people he's never met before or how he gets these weird inklings/thoughts that he can't control.

Or how he just had some sort of heart attack.

Yeah, that could probably qualify too.

_Heart attacks aren't exactly supernatural though, and I'd rather not become one of Haruhi's clients. _He remarks to himself.

Besides, he probably just hasn't been getting enough sleep lately with all the hectic-ness his life has recently become with Haruhi around.

(He refuses to acknowledge the fact that it started long before the SOS Brigade was founded.)

Everything's fine by the time their leader returns (with Miss Asahina in tow) and as Haruhi rants about how the teachers are useless and always butting in, Kyon thinks that he wants to know what her opinion is of the student body president.

Whoever they are, they must be her archenemy.

* * *

When Kyon gets home he reads the book Nagato gave him. He finds her note, and subsequently has a _very _weird night.

"Humanoid Inter—_what_?"

_She's an alien._

That's…new.

* * *

**Thanks for the reviews, favs, and follows!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own either Haruhi Suzumiya or Angel Beats.**

**Can you all tell who most everyone is yet?**


	3. Hidden in Plain Sight

"_This could have been the other way around…"_

—_Roxas, Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance_

* * *

"Sorry to keep you waiting!" Haruhi calls out as she enters the clubroom the next day. Kyon, Mikuru, and Nagato have all already been there for a while, Kyon walking by himself after Haruhi had dashed off screaming something like, _"he's finally here—the mysterious transfer student!" _

"Someone transferred into freshman class 9 today, and he's joining us!" Haruhi's dragging someone by the arm as she talks, someone with eyes closed in a smile that's hiding their color _but if they were open Kyon'ssurethey'dbebluelikehishairis—_

Except his hair's brown. Light brown, maybe hazel. Brown eyes like his hair, then.

_(But that doesn't seem _right_.)_

"Itsuki Koizumi," the transfers says as he greets the room, "how do you do?" The guy bows, all polite smiles and charm as Haruhi introduces everyone (as 'brigade members 1, 2, 3, and now 4'—_don't you see what your getting into guy?_)."I don't mind joining you guys," Itsuki continues, "but I was wondering what kind of club this is, anyway."

_That's something I'd like to know, too, _Kyon thinks snidely, and that's when Haruhi announces (at long last):

"The SOS Brigade's mission is to find aliens, time travelers, and espers and hang out with them!"

Kyon stares, still slightly out of it, and misses the slightly shocked reactions of his fellow brigade members. But considering Haruhi?

_That's…not really all that surprising._

So when Itsuki immediately agrees with a mockingly knowing glint in his eyes, Kyon stares some more and all he can think is: _Seriously? Didn't you hear what she just said?_

Itsuki walks over to him from his spot by the door where he was released from Haruhi's unrelenting grip and powers of persuasion. "Nice to meet you," the guy tells Kyon, holding out his hand. "I'm Itsuki Koizumi and I just transferred here. There's still a lot I don't know, so I hope you'll show me the ropes."

_(Show _you _the ropes?)_

Kyon starts to reply after a slight pause, off-put: "Uh, yeah I—" But then he breaks himself off, frowning, because he feels like their positions have just been switched.

It's a weird thought, but Koizumi's frowning a little too—that knowing look in his eyes turning troubled—and, as Haruhi dooms him to another person using his nickname, Kyon wonders if he might have finally found someone who has the same problem as him.

* * *

The next day is a Friday, and after school (and after harassing Mikuru into a maid outfit) Haruhi gives a speech to their newly formed five-man band.

_There she is,_ Kyon thinks sarcastically, _our fearless leader._ But, as he alternates listening to her speech about how tomorrow they'll be meeting up and searching the city for 'the mysteries of this world', and making critical, skeptical, not to mention sarcastic comments to himself, Kyon looks at Haruhi and _sees_ a leader. He listens and watches because, all judgments and disagreements of opinion beside, he can see the charisma there—in everything from Haruhi's posture, to hand-gestures, to the way she forms her words. That in a different time or place, for a different reason, she'd be someone he could follow.

Well, he _is_ following her _now_, but only grudgingly, because she somehow got him roped into this and _someone_ has to keep an eye on her, right?

Different reasons, time, or place. But he doesn't quit here, either.

* * *

_Those who arrive late shall receive the 'death penalty'. _Kyon recalls from Haruhi's directions the previous day as he pedals up to agreed meet up spot for the day's activities: Kitaguchi station.

'_Death penalty'? _

He wonders why those words invoke such a terrible feeling of horror inside of him.

It's 9 am exactly, but he's still the last one here.

"You're late!" Haruhi calls out, all righteous indignation. "Penalty!"

At those words the feeling comes back stronger than ever and Kyon can't stop himself from flinching slightly (and notices that Koizumi does the same). Nagato's hand twitches slightly as Haruhi looks a little confused _(and maybe a little vindictive?) _at the subtle reactions _(but there all the same)_ but Mikuru simply smiles like there's nothing at all going on. After a moment Kyon can brush it off, the inexplicable fear he just felt vanishing as his expression changes back to irritably indulgent, and he snaps a reply back to his leader as they make their way to a café.

They pass it off, laugh it off, but the moment is still there, playing in the back of their minds like broken the static of a radio receiving no signal; tension by any other name.

* * *

The 'death penalty' turns out to be treating everyone to lunch, which, all things (including Haruhi) considered, isn't too bad of a punishment. Once they're finished they split up into groups drawn by straws—Kyon's with Mikuru searching the west side of the station while Haruhi, Nagato, Koizumi are the other group, searching the east.

A date with Miss Asahina? Kyon's totally fine with spending his afternoon with the most normal (not to mention hottest) girl in the brigade.

Turns out, Mikuru's not exactly Kyon's definition of 'normal,' either.

Time travel.

_She's from the future._

Of _course_ she is.

* * *

"_Tantalizingly I saw_

_Our shadows moving through the door_

_Traces from a different time_

_When I was yours and you were truly mine_

_All mine" _

—_David Gray_

* * *

After getting together again for lunch, everyone splits up once more—Kyon's still in the group of two, it's just that this time he's with Nagato. Haruhi stomps off with a "we'll meet back at the station at 4, and make sure to find something this time, you got that?!"

_Whatever, _Kyon thinks at her back, _it's not like _you _managed to find anything _either.

He looks down at Nagato. "I guess we'll go to the library." He tells her, and smiles as she cocks her head at him.

* * *

As an alien (or so she says), Kyon's guess that Nagato's never been to a library before is correct, and he gets a warm feeling in his chest as he watches her walk amongst the shelves, looking in her own way like she's just stumbled into heaven.

(Kyon doesn't notice how his voice changes as he patiently leads Nagato through the process of getting a library card—how it becomes more lilting and slightly higher-pitched, or how Nagato's voice changes in return.)

In the end, neither group finds anything (Kyon has to wonder what Haruhi had the other group doing—judging from the slightly annoyed look underneath that polite exterior on Koizumi's face Haruhi had him working as Kyon's replacement), and Kyon calls it a waste of time and money, but really? It wasn't too bad.

"Cheer up." Kyon tells Haruhi. He's looking straight ahead, watching the others as they leave, but he glances at her out of the corner of his eyes. "It's not like they would let you find them in one day, right?" Haruhi nods, grudgingly, and Kyon almost breathes a sigh of relief, _remembering_ _that one other time handlewithcarebackattheGuil—_

He shakes the incoherent thought away and frowns, because _dammit_ he thought maybe it wouldn't happen away from school (which is _definitely_ where he gets the worst of it—and that isn't telling at all, is it?)

_No. _He thinks to himself when he realizes he's still doing it—_Bad. Stop it.—_and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep his mind from wandering.

On a different note, he doesn't know what's wrong with him when he realizes he can't stop thinking about his afternoon with Nagato, rather than the bombshell Miss Asahina dropped on him that morning.

* * *

Haruhi sends an aura of unpleasant, 'why-didn't-we-find-anything?'-ness at him all through school that Monday (despite his tiny, impromptu pep-talk), so Kyon flees to the clubroom the first chance he gets. Besides, he's got someone he needs to talk to.

There's only one of them left, after all.

"Koizumi." Kyon calls out as he walks through the door. "Am I mistaken, or do you _also_ have something you want to talk to me about regarding Haruhi?"

The guy just smiles, and obliges (long-windedly).

Esper.

Yeah, that's the last of them.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own either Haruhi Suzumiya or Angel Beats.**


End file.
